We fell into that love come naturally and don't need to make any effort to support this feeling. And yet occasionally there are unhappy in the relationship.
The psychologist Maria Makarova explains directly what should be the real love that brings happiness and satisfaction.
In order to understand this difficult question, we turned to the ideas of the famous German psychoanalyst Erich Fromm, who for 35 years has researched the human soul, practiced psychotherapy, and has written many books and created individual psychoanalytic for. In one of his own works entitled "the Art of love" he gave this comprehensive definition: "Love is of a constructive form of relationship to other and to himself. It implies care, responsibility, respect and knowledge, and the desire that other people grow and develop".
Fromm extremely wished to convey the idea: to learn to love we must know that this is a real concern, respect for the other person, to know him and to participate actively in its development and growth. Sounds, of course, interesting and clever, even, perhaps, excessive. But how to use these ideas? We offer you to make some practical steps towards true love.
Step 1. Fill your own life in such work, which depends entirely on you. Don't expect the appearance of love and loved one of course and fill our lives with happiness and joy.
It is important to take responsibility for your own happiness, choosing loved ones on this planet, work, Hobbies. Because none of us will be able to make this choice and live all the touching moments, vivid impressions. To understand what this development and active participation in the growth of the beloved inhabitant of our planet, the need to be the one who develops and devoted to their life and their elections. Passing this responsibility to the beloved, we poison his life, and inevitably disappointed: my. Love, nedorazvitie, negoziabili!
Practice. To make each other happier, it is important to be able to report directly about their own desires, dreams, fantasies, projects. And be able to ask directly about his own beloved necessities. And, most importantly, it is important to be ready to accept his reaction. Stop expecting that someone will guess your wishes, tell me about them directly and actively participate in their implementation. Help to do the same to your partner. This greatly increases your chances to create a happy relationship and make them stronger.
Step 2. Learn to identify and eliminate various forms of physical and emotional abuse from relationships.
Alas, in our environment violence, many of its manifestations are common and all people have ceased to notice it. And emotionally to the cruelty and injustice even as we react, even if these reactions are not understood. Pushed these feelings ruin your relationship, as military pressure has no relation to love. This manifestation of hostility, sadism. And acceptance of violence is masochism.
Physical pressure is obvious, and it is unacceptable for a healthy relationship. And psychological pressure is not obvious. Threats, blackmail, manipulation ("if you love me, then..."), sarcasm and annoying banter - it's all his examples.
Practice. Hold themselves from such behavior, even when a partner provokes you. You are responsible for your own actions, and behavior of a loved one is not classified justification of violence. And defend their right to security, if the partner puts pressure on you. And if you, reading these lines, I suddenly realized that in your relationship there is no love at all, but only the inhumanity, think: why you this person is and to spend your own life to his rehabilitation. Love does not mean "do what I said". Love means to be different, and with all this equal.
Step 3. Acknowledge personal imperfection. Also the imperfection of their parents and what they taught you.
Not many of our actions are motivated by good intentions, sometimes we are right, and not everything we do towards loved ones, is considered a manifestation of love. It would have to accept, whether we like it or not. To personal growth, we need feedback from loved ones. And courage to admit that we can err and do something with the best intentions.
The bitter truth is that the emotional blackmail and manipulation we learned in our own families. Of course, they gave us a lot of good, and we perceive them as good and loving people on the planet. But if you demean your partner is no accident. This happens largely because mom and dad were not so perfect. To free relations from violence and to fill them with love, you need to settle down. To accept that parents are not gods, and made mistakes too. According to Erich Fromm, 1 of the actual tasks of a happy man - "to be free from family ties", to stop being a prisoner of the established standards. stereotipov.
Practice. Mature man looking for simple answers, and becomes aware of his own experience and draws conclusions. While we idealize the parents, remain emotionally immature and not ready for real intimacy. Do not build their own relationship, on the basis only of what you have taught. Learn from their own experience, listen to feelings, ideas own beloved, create your family together with him, be authors of your lives together.
Step 4. Show warm feelings - tenderness, joy, care.
"You're my fool", "Silly me, but I love you anyway", "Well, what if hands not from that place, but you're smart", "Give you a wonderful kick up the backside". It seems the form is like trying to say something gentle. But that sounds weird, huh? Relationship important for genuine warmth, support and care, without impurity of violence. And the reproach "why are you so sensitive, affectionate!" - generally straightforward hostility.
Practice. Learn to speak a gentle word, a caress, to touch, to sincerely support and not to apply as if the amorous message in order to humiliate the partner or to show aggression. Anger to show, but not masking her love. Particularly, one should pay attention to the fact that light feeling you need to Express without mockery.
Step 5. Learn to give without expecting a retaliatory move, exchange, transaction.
Here is how this reveals the idea of Erich Fromm: "Love is the child of Freedom, because only free to achieve independence and self-sufficiency people are able to love. The ability to love is the ability to welcome others, to be sincerely interested them and openly go to him. Mature, healthy love also involves the ability to give - to part with his life in the life of another person, without expecting anything in return".
And as we often expect from men of gratitude for his care and love! Immediately therefore and a funny rebuke, which became the joke: "I gave you the best years of that!" But, if to think, to give only in order to gain something in return - a trade about which you do not speak aloud. And the main disappointment in relationships is that the partner didn't even know he owe you something.
Practice. Decide what and how much to give to the partner. Free, in other words nothing. Just because you love him this is the natural love of the soul which tenderly loves, but does not consume.