Living together means constantly influencing each other's goals. A partner can help achieve what one wants: offer support, get involved in the process, free up time. But a partner can also get in the way - intentionally or accidentally, because of mismatched needs and everyday friction. A new study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships examined how accurately people are aware of their influence on a partner's everyday goals.
The authors, led by Emily Conard, analyzed data from 212 people - 106 couples living together in the United States. Participants over 18 were recruited through ads on sites such as Craigslist. Over 14 days, each evening the partners separately filled out short diaries. The final analysis included 2,377 daily reports.
Each day, participants rated on a seven-point scale how much their partner made it easier for them to make progress toward their goals and how much they themselves made it easier for their partner's goals. Perceived hindering was also measured: whether the partner got in the way and whether they themselves got in the way. In addition, people reported their relationship satisfaction and closeness with their partner that day.
It turned out that, on the whole, people do track their influence: when a partner reported that the participant had been helpful, the participant also rated their own help higher. The same pattern appeared with hindering. In addition, a projection effect was observed: if a person felt help from their partner, they more often believed that they themselves were also helping. This may reflect real interdependence, when a conflict of one person's goals affects both.
However, on average, participants were accurate in assessing their own helpfulness but underestimated how much they got in the way of their partner's goals. In other words, they are more willing to acknowledge help received than hindrance.
These distortions are linked to the relationship. When a person overestimated their own helpfulness, they themselves were less satisfied with the relationship, and the partner reported less closeness and satisfaction. When a participant underestimated their own hindering, both felt less closeness, and the partner also felt less satisfaction. The authors conclude: an overly positive view of one's influence is not harmless, and accuracy appears to be better for both.
The study has limitations. The U.S. sample was predominantly white, so the results may not extend to other cultures and groups. Without observer reports, it is difficult to tell whose perception is distorted - the person's own or their partner's. In addition, these are statistical associations, which by themselves do not prove causation.